Humorous Quotes on Life :
1. I ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls. They always say, "Because itís such a beautiful animal." There you
go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first.
3. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I
leave a man, I keep his house.
4. If you look like your passport photo, you're
too ill to travel.
5. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes
list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
6. Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make
7. My therapist told me the way to achieve true
inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of
M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
8. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty
being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want Ė an adorable
9. My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't
afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
10. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one
you can ride on.
11. To attract men, I wear a perfume called New
12. If you love something, set it free. Unless
it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.
13. The most remarkable thing about my mother
is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original
meal has never been found.
14. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didnít
want to interrupt her.
15. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise
they won't come to yours.
16. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She
buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
17. My husband wanted one of those big-screen
TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have
18. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound
they make as they fly by.
19. I have an aunt who married so late in life
that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.
20. I hate housework- you make the beds, you do
the dishes...and six months later you have to start all over again.
21. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesnít
need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
22. Inside me there's a thin person struggling
to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
23. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it
to the food.
24. Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.
25. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use
the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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